Oh Crap

So, I suck as a teacher. In like the worst state in the union for education, I could very well be fired from my teaching job. Specifically, not have my contract renewed. Or I could resign. I’m not sure either would qualify me for unemployment benefits. Unless, I fully cooperate with the help I am to receive and fail anyway. Which is a distinct possibility.

I completely concur with my evaluation. And I do believe the administrator is being generous by only calling out two areas where I need help. It could easily be more.

I’m a smart woman. The kids like me. But I have trouble managing 30+ well. There are things the district requires in lessons and to be evident when they come in for walk throughs like formative assessments and higher level thinking (lots of kids have a hard time thinking–not because they are stupid but because they haven’t been trained like that) and maybe because developmentally, they’re not there yet. I don’t know how to manage all that and lots of times I just feel like my brain is not set up to handle it. There’s this gap between what I should be able to do and being able to do it. Maybe I don’t quite understand what-although I think it makes sense or how to get planned and out to the kids. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know what I don’t know or don’t understand. Maybe it’s just the gap that’s always existed between me and pragmatism. Or maybe it’s a gap in my understanding or what they want me to do to begin with.

I don’t want to sound like I’m bitching. I’m just terribly frustrated and not only with work. We’re working on getting or mortgage remodified so we don’t go into foreclosure, although that is appealing in some ways. How else are we going to be free of this house that is worth about half of what we are paying for it? It needs a new AC/heat unit-$5000. Our credit sucks. We drive one old car. We have medical bills out the wazoo–not that much compared to others, but they’re hard to pay when you’re trying to keep you electricity on.

Sometimes I wonder what is the point? We work–yes, we are fortunate we both have jobs–but it seems like we are further behind than ever. I really have no hope of ever catching up, breaking even. God forbid we should ever get ahead a little.

And when it comes down to it, I love the kids but I’m not sure I’m cut out to be a teacher. This is my fifth year and I don’t feel much better as a professional than I did on day 1. But the practical side of me says it’s the only thing I have training to do (all be it suckily). The other side says this could be the way out, it might be time to pursue something creative–like writing! But the other side says we’ll be homeless in no time.

Would it be the end of the world if I lost my job? No, not the world. Just the end of my health insurance that pays for my cancer treatment. It might be a way to test if I’m in remission for good, right?

I want to be able to trust God in all this, but honestly, it’s hard. Things have been getting harder for us the past few years, physically and otherwise and we’ve been trying to remain faithful. Does God have something better down the line on this side of heaven? Does he even care? Can’t he cut us a break?

There are so many thoughts and feelings churning around inside me now. Maybe I’ll get them straightened out as I write about them.

If anyone reads this and wants to comment, you can message me on facebook. But please, no trite “God had a plan” stuff. I’m sick of that. I need insight, suggestions, success stories, places to look for resources. In case the job doesn’t work out.

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